Blood and Fire - Thirty Four

“Liz!  We’re here!” knocks Jennings on the apartment door while walking in wearing a psychedelic tie-die t-shirt that states with large embroidered scissors targeted in the middle “Shop, Crop, and Drop is my Motto”. Alice Hammer trails in behind her.  “Oh Jane!  It’s so good to see you!  I’m so sorry to hear that you have to work this weekend and are not able to go with us.  It would be so much fun to have you along too, but I guess we’ll have to settle with just Liz this time.”

While finding a comfortable seat in the rose recliner, Alice Hammer props up her feet and searches for the remote.  She turns on the TV and then grabs the large oversized purse that she has grounded on her lap.  “I know it’s in here somewhere!  I promised Liz that I’d show her what I found at Earl’s Antique Treasures or EAT for short. But I can’t see to find it!”

“That purse is more like a lost Egyptian tomb, there is always something new she discovers that has been there for years” exasperated replies Jennings “at least it has literally anything that you might possibly want or need at the last moment”. 

“No, that’s not it.  Uh… maybe this is it.  Oh, I didn’t know I had that.  Let’s see …. Ouch.  I need to put that away.  Ummmm… is this it?” murmurs Alice Hammer capturing everyone’s attention waiting for her ultimate surprise  “You know, this might be it.” suggests Alice Hammer while digging a little deeper and biting on her top lip to give her strength for the extra searching effort.

“She’ll never find it, it’s a hopeless cause.  Well, maybe in a month or so when she finally dumps out her purse to find something else” states Jennings in a matter-of-fact tone continues “I never like it when they play the treasure hunt game with our purses during Home League.  We’ve started having to put a time limit on how long anyone is allowed to search.  Before then, she won the grand prize for the game every time.”

Looking a little disheveled while taking a second to pause in her search Alice Hammer adds “I always shared my bag of detergent pods with you.  I’ve never heard you complain”.

“You’re right.  I do appreciate smelling like a fresh ocean breeze” gratefully acknowledges Jennings taking a huge whiff of her sweater sleeve to demonstrate for effect.

“I wish that my schedule had worked out differently so that I would have been able to go with you this weekend” remarks Jane feeling a bit sad that she will not be able to spend time with some of her friends. “We have mandatory teacher training with the district tomorrow.  However, I made you some brownies that you can munch on while driving  on your trip this afternoon.”

“That’s very thoughtful of you, Jane” thankfully replies Jennings taking the full and overflowing plate of carefully cut squares covered with clear saran wrap.

“Thank you so much!  Brownies are my favorite!  I love chocolate.  All types of chocolate --any kind of chocolate.  Chocolate bars, chocolate cakes, chocolate chips, chocolate cupcakes, chocolate syrup, chocolate candy, even hot chocolate …. just about anything chocolate” wistfully mumbles Alice Hammer licking her lips in the palpable memories of her daydreams.

“I think Liz is about ready.  She’s finishing packing.  She just came back from Ethel’s Laundromat a few minutes ago.” Informs Jane “but she shouldn’t be that much longer.  She packed all her scrapbooking items in a crate last night”.

“Oh, we took nearly a car load of our things, but we did remember to leave enough space for Liz and her suitcase” replies Alice Hammer with a friendly smile even though she had to leave a few tubs back at home to make enough room for one more person.

“Do you know where you will be staying?” asks Jane unsure of the arrangements for the weekend.

“Well, we’ve been told that we will be billeted out to members of the Pemberley corps for both nights. But we won’t find out where we are staying until we get there.  Although it is a regional event, I really don’t know many people from the Pemberley corps except Darcy and Will Fitz families” contemplatively Jennings adds “Regretfully, they don’t often attend other divisional events other than for the music programs but are more of a self-contained church. But it will be nice to have an opportunity to get to know them better as well as make new friends.”

“I’ve never been to Pemberley.  I don’t think Liz or any of family has ever been.  I hear it is a large corps with many different activities and good leadership.  I wish every corps had that luxury” honestly reflects Jane unable to find a substitute other than the corps officer to teach Girl Guards the following day while she is attending a required work seminar “But I do enjoy the ministry that I have at Longbourne and I feel that I am making a difference in the corps with the girls and also in the community with some of our service projects”.

“What sort-of things have you done lately?” curiously asks Alice Hammer munching on a brownie that she quietly snuck out of the wrapped plate.

“Last weekend we participated in a Zombie crawl to raise awareness for children with infectious diseases.  Next month, we are going to make outfits for stuffed teddy bears that we are giving out to some of the shut-ins who use to be able to attend the corps” replies Jane thinking through her quarterly schedule “The week after that we are participating in a 5k to raise money for breast cancer research.  Last month we made cookies for the police department which one of the girl’s fathers works for.   I’d like the girls to be aware of a world outside of themselves and how they can help to make life a little better for someone else”.

“Sounds like fun.  Life must have balance to be healthy.  Caring for someone else for an hour or so can often bring more maturity than adding another day to a year” Remarks Jennings having experienced many tiny moments of growth in her outlook of life through the years.

“Are you ready?” asks Alice Hammer slamming down the foot rest as Liz struggles entering  the room pulling her suitcase in one hand and in the other a crate full of craft supplies and paper trailing along as well on wheels.

“Yes, I finally think that I am” shuffles Liz trying to maneuver putting on her jacket without having either piece of luggage tip over while they are balancing upright against her knees.

After rearranging the backseat, they each find a comfortable place in the car and head out for the seven hour trip.  Liz contemplates sending Darcy a text letting him know that she will be in town for the weekend, but decides to wait.  She thoughtfully considers “Maybe he’ll find out I’m in town and contact me instead, since I will be at his home corps.  If he wants to see me, he’ll make a way to find me. If he doesn’t make the time, then I know for sure that I need to move on and that he is no longer interested in me” staring out the window and twisting a strand of her hair, sadly considers “Although, I think he’s already told me that even if I don’t want to accept it.”

Finally after several hours of traveling, Jennings, Alice Hammer, and Liz arrive at the Pemberley corps.  It is a large beautiful building decorated in matching carpet whose flecks are in the same rose hue as the pews. The chapel is white with a large oak cross over the pastel stained class that colorfully reflects the sunlight. The crystal clear podium with the etched crest falls into symmetry with the grand piano and mahogany organ.   The stage is set for a 35 piece brass band for members who have grown up in the youth band which has its own practice room as well designed just for them in mind.  The praise team has a see-through shield for their three percussion players, and the stands form a sign of unity along the platform.  Risers are set in the corner for the Songster brigade that provides the offertory twice a month.

Large organized classrooms with plenty of storage and decorative murals line the hallways, one for children’s ministries and another for the adult life skill and Bible study classes with engraved name plates to reflect what activities take place in each location.   At the end is a commercial size kitchen with every modern convenience with a coffee bar as well in the adjoining room for the transition time for fellowship between the Sunday School activities and the morning worship service.  The professional size gym with durable rubber flooring is attached to the building with stadium seating for the basketball teams during the week.  At the end of the main hallway is a large carpeted fellowship hall with floor to ceiling rolling dividers to make smaller meeting rooms when necessary.  

Delicate light reflects through the entire building with plenty of windows and decorative foliage throughout.  Silk coordinated flowers greet each guest in each entryway. The atmosphere is a calming place of tranquility and comfort. Beauty is emulated through every room and corner.

In awe, Liz stands next to the welcoming fountain that such a corps facility could exist. In contrast, Longborne is forty years old and has come unglued at the edges.  A tint of mildew pervades the chapel where once the ceiling tragically leaked before the roof was finally replaced a few years ago and unfortunately soaked the carpet in murky water quite a few inches deep. A few tiles are missing in the classrooms here and there and the chairs are mismatched having been donated from camp to supply desperately needed replacements.  It’s not anywhere near the building she is standing in by comparison.

“Where do we go for registration?” asks Alice Hammer to the lady in a themed coordinated outfit walking towards the kitchen.

“Are you here for scrapbooking?” asks the woman oblivious to the fact they are each dragging large carts and carrying oblong totes of various sizes filled with odds and ends. “My name is Lydia Russell”.

“Yes, we’re here for the whole weekend” exclaims Jennings ready to charge and meet her challenge to finish an entire photo album in the next two days.

“At the end of the hallway before entering the fellowship hall is a registration table.  You will also be able to find out where you are staying if you signed up for that in advance” Lydia Russell explains “I will be back in a moment to help you.  I’m just getting some coffee.”

 Carrying all their things down the eternal hallways, Alice Hammer sounds out of breath, while Jennings takes a break to stretch before pulling her stuff again, and Liz shifts her tote from one hand to another before shuffling her crate to the other hand to pull down the rest of the way.

“So, what are your ladies names?” asks Lydia Russell taking a sip of her favorite flavored coffee from Star Cups and twirling a purple gel pin with her other hand.

“My name is Alice Hammer, and this is Brigadier Martha Jennings from Crestwood who is retired, and we also brought with us our friend, Liz Bennett from Longborne Citadel” explains Alice Hammer trying to catch a glimpse over Lydia Russell’s shoulder to see who else is registered for the regional event.

“Oh …” taken aback Lydia Russell checks their names on the list “It says here that you are staying with Georgianna Darcy” slightly condescending adds in the unlikelihood that this motley crew would know the Darcy family,  “Do you know Ginny?  Are you friends with her?”

“Actually, I’ve never met her” stumbles Liz shocked to be staying at Darcy’s home.

“It states that she even requested that the three of you stay with her” verifies Lydia Russell in her unbelief “Let me check with someone else for a minute to make sure this is correct and an error hasn’t occurred”.

Anxiously Lydia Russell wiggles down the hallway to find another woman who helped organize the registration for the scrapbooking retreat.

“What do you know?  We’re going to be staying at Darcy’s house.  Although, I talked to him earlier this week about helping with scout camp this year and he told me that he would be out of town for a business conference this weekend.  So unfortunately, we won’t be seeing him, but at least we’ll get to see Ginny again.  It’s been years” remarks Jennings delighted at the recent opportunity of meeting another Sunbeam from a previous appointment many years ago.

“Evidently, the registration is correct as stands.  Ginny Darcy has asked that the three of you stay with her this weekend” smugly replies Lydia Russell handing the small decorated index card to Liz “Here is her address and phone number.  She will meet you at 8 pm following the devotional time.”

For a moment, Liz stares at the card for a moment unable to comprehend that she will be unexpectedly staying in Darcy’s home.  Silently thinking “At least he won’t be there.  I won’t have to face him.  But it still would have been wonderful to see him again if he had been in town.”

Carefully Jennings picks out a comfortable spot at a large round table with plenty of light to see more clearly.  Alice Hammer sorts through her five tubs, 1 suitcase, and assorted three-drawer bins for easy access to utensils and supplies.  Liz sets out her paper, adhesive, scissors, and notebook of various collages of paper designs that she bought on clearance the day before.

Looking through her photos, Jennings comments “I just loved Israel.  It’s the best trip I’ve ever been on and a learned a whole lot too.  Wished that I had gone in my younger years and not waited until I was middle-aged.  It’s been over thirty years ago since my husband and I went.  I found these in an old tub in my garage.  I’ve been meaning to put them in a photo album for the last ten but never got around to it.”

“Let me see” asks Alice Hammer taking the stack of photos from Jenning’s hand “Remember my husband, Fred and me were also on that trip with you when we were all still officers? “

“Do you miss being an officer?” innocently asks Liz surprised by this new revelation while pasting a small pink silk flower to a page in her cut-out book.

“No, not really …. I certainly don’t miss the politics and some of the other nonsense.  I have found my own worthwhile ministry at the Crestwood corps over the years and have often felt God using me while serving Him there.”

“I missed you and Fred coming to officers councils with me the most” states Jennings joking “I didn’t have anyone to get in trouble with once you left, I had to wait until I retired once again”.

“Anyway, about that Israel trip.  I didn’t know anything about mechanics or electronics – whatever it is called.  Being able to do a live recording of something that was happening was new except for in the movies” explains Alice Hammer taking a bite of her cheese and crackers.

“I remember those.  I think that I still have mine out in the garage somewhere” contemplates Jennings making a note to sort through her fifty years of tubs when she finally gets around to it.

“You know what my husband did?   Mind you, this was thirty years ago when the VHS video camera recorder came out and it was quite the new thing although it was the size of a small shoe box” explains Alice Hammer “My husband Fred told me that if I turn the camera on the side it will give us a better angle for our movies and we will see more of the beautiful scenery.  What I didn’t know is that we would all have to lie down on the floor to watch on movies on the TV because the picture was sideways.  Can you imagine watching 11 hours of video tapes on your side every Easter?”

“That would be awful!” exclaims Liz without thinking.

Pleasantly amused Alice Hammer continues “It ended up being a family tradition of laying large pillows on the floor with plenty of popcorn and sweet tea each year.  I have many fond memories of that time”.

A few hours later, Jennings suggests “Why don’t we try some stamping?  I have these blank cards that I bought in a kit a few years ago that I haven’t used yet.”

“I’ve not done stamping before other than to stamp the back of a check at Christmas time during kettles.  Is it very difficult?” asks Alice Hammer ready to try and learn something different.

“No, it’s quite easy.  You’ll learn in a minute” encourages Jennings passing out the inking supplies to Liz and her across the table.

After a few minutes, Liz turns to Alice Hammer watching her scratch her forehead but then returning to concentrate on her own work “You seem like you might be a bit lost”.

Alice Hammer rubs her chin and gently wipes her nose away from the fumes of the ink.  “I’m not sure this craft is for me.  Are these ink pads washable?”

Focusing on her project, Jennings answers without looking up, “I think so but the darker green that you’ve been using is a bit more difficult to get off my hands in my experience.  It usually takes a few washings before it starts to fade.”

“I think that I’m having a little difficulty seeing” wiping her eyes Alice Hammer continues “I might need to take a break for a little while.  I’ve been working for four hours straight.”

As Liz finishes off her card by blowing on it trying to smooth the edges where she has trimmed it with ink dry faster, she gazes over at Alice Hammer and tries to suppress a smile.  “I think you may want to go to the ladies room for a moment” kindly suggests Liz “I’ll go with you.”

“Yes, I suppose it’s time I took a break” closing the green ink pad so it won’t dry out, Alice Hammer stands up from her seat. 

Jennings finally looks up and stares at Alice Hammer “Alice, do you know what you’ve done?”

“What do you mean?” asks Alice Hammer glancing at her hands for the first time which are entirely covered in shades of red, blue, and green ink.

“You have ink on your forehead, your chin, your nose, and a handprint on your cheek where evidently you rested your head for a moment!” inspects Jennings shaking her head “I don’t know how long that green is going to stay on either!”

As they are laughing at the table, a young woman very fashionably dressed and put together walks up to their table and begins with a warm and friendly “Hi!  I’m Ginny Darcy and I welcome you our Pemberley corps.  I don’t know if you remember me Brigadier Jennings, but I was your faithful Sunbeam many years ago.  The three of you, if you are not hanging around for the all-nighter sessions, will be staying at my home for the weekend.”

Blood and Fire - Thirty Three

“Don’t tell mom!” threatens Lydia “I am going over to Beth Elliot’s house first which is what I’ve told her. So I am telling the truth.   Wickham is just going to meet me to go to the movies once I’m there.”

“I still think that you should tell mom.  She likes Wickham.  It’s better than getting into trouble later” carefully suggests Kitty having experienced the negative impact of being grounded one too many times because of being guilty by association with some of  Lydia’s  creative routine scheming.  “I want to enjoy my spring break this year!”

“Of course you will.  If I get caught, which I think is highly unlikely any way I will say that you weren’t involved.  It was all my idea.  Does that make you feel better?” pouts Lydia knowing that it’s always better to have an accomplice by her side because it somehow manages to soften the blow when being unexpectedly caught in one of her misadventures.

“I just don’t know Lydia.  Do you remember the time that you decided to go toilet paper Ben Wick’s house at midnight with some of your friends and managed to convince me to be involved as the lookout?   It still wasn’t my fault the sprinklers went on that night!  Who waters their yard at night? How does the water even know where the ground is when it’s so dark?” trying to come up with a reasonable defense but failing at the attempt, Kitty deflects “To top it off, do you remember when Lila Steel tried to jump over the backyard fence?   Although that wasn’t my fault either, how was I to know that she was going to somehow get her skirt all caught up on the bird house nailed to the wooden fence post?” Continuing Kitty giggles “Although it was rather funny watching her floral skirt slowly rip as she dangled in the air with her arms flying while she gently lowered to the ground.  However, I do feel bad that while getting up she slipped in the mud and broke her ankle.”

“Yes, that was so much fun!” excitedly recalls Lydia proud of one of her clever ideas “We should try it again! But this time we need to find out what days the Wick’s water their yard”.

“But remember how mad mom was?  Also, Mrs. Steel was not happy with Lila.  She wasn’t allowed to talk with us for a month!   Evidently Lila had just bought that outfit for the corps cadet picnic” feeling slightly guilty, Kitty recalls “It’s too bad she had to wear a cast and miss the end of the year skating party too. I think we all were grounded for at least two weeks and missed nearly all of spring break last year.”

“Don’t worry about a thing.  It’s going to be different this year” assures Lydia needing support in order to cover her own romantic plotting “You’re not going to get into trouble.  If anyone gets caught, which isn’t going to happen, it will only be me”.

“Alright, but you have to promise that if I don’t tell mom or dad, I can borrow your lavender sweater three times ---  any time I want to “ Kitty bargains but decides to add one more thing while at the transaction table “and also your blue heels too”.

“You can’t wear my shoes! Your foot is half a size smaller than mine!” argues Lydia crossing her arms and not happy with the shoes being thrown into the pact at the last minute “Your feet stink too!”

“I can still wear them.  I’ll just put a few dryer sheets in the front toe and no one will be able to tell the difference” feeling that the last minute add-on might lose the arrangement Kitty counters “It’s either the sweater and the shoes or no deal!”

“Oh, all right.  I’ll let you borrow them” reluctantly agrees Lydia with a condition “but please be sure to spray your feet first with your perfume. I’d rather smell a whiff of “Intensity” than old dried out leather that you’ve worn way too long.”

In response Kitty narrows and pierces her irritated eyes while making an unpleasant face at Lydia who responds similarly in turn while a car horn loudly and impatiently honks outside below the bedroom window.

“That’s Beth!  We have a deal, remember!  Don’t tell Liz either.  I don’t want her interfering into my relationship if she finds out that I’m going out with Wickham.  He’s mine now and doesn’t belong to her.” reminds Lydia grabbing her purse and duffle bag with more revealing clothes to change into while heading out the door towards the stairs.

 

After spending an hour over at Beth Elliot’s home changing her clothes, Lydia anxiously gossips with Beth and waits for Wickham to arrive.  She sees Wickham’s sports car pull up into the driveway and runs out the door to meet him.

“Hey!  Did you get her washed today?  She looks great!” Flirts Lydia while getting into the car knowing how much attention and admiration he gives to his treasured vehicle.

“Yeah, just this afternoon, she’s beautiful, isn’t she?” gloats Wickham caressing the steering wheel feeling proud of his purchase whose car payment exceeds a rational budget.  “So, I’ve heard Liz is coming home today.  Is anyone picking her up at the airport?”

“You don’t need to worry about her.  She already has a ride” swiftly and firmly replies Lydia with no clue who is actually going to be picking her older sister up from the airport “Liz is awfully busy.  She’s been spending a lot of time with Will Fitz lately while she has been out of town and I’m very sure has already completely forgotten about anyone here”.

“Mmmm… “ quietly mumbles Wickham to himself turning on the spray to clean his car windows and with a tone of jealousy “I’m sure she was bored out of her mind being around Will Fitz.  He rambles on about any topic that comes to mind.  Some women find him to be somewhat charming and intelligent but I think he is just annoying. He’s definitely not Liz’s type at all”.

“Let’s not talk about Liz.  She’s not here and probably thinking about someone else anyway.  You’re here with me.  Let’s talk about us and things that we can do today together!” excitedly states Lydia flashing her eyes at him, while moving closer and touching his arm for assurance of her interest in him “You’re the most exciting man I know!”

Feeling keenly admired, Wickham astutely smiles at her and presses his foot down on the gas pedal as the speed through the neighborhood.

In the meantime, Mr. Bennett meets Liz outside the doors of the baggage claim at the airport.

“How was your trip, Liz?” sweetly asks Mr. Bennett giving her a kiss on the cheek and picking up her red set of matching luggage and then with a genuine sigh  “I’ve missed having two consecutive sentences that contain any logic or reason in the house for quite awhile now. With your sister, Jane, visiting friends as well, it unfortunately has been a very lonely winter.”

Walking towards the parking lot, Liz smiles at her dad’s familiar sarcasm responds “Well, I’m not sure that I have much to offer now that I’m home.  I’m not sure that I’ve been entirely logical recently myself.”

“I don’t know if you know but Mary signed up for the drama at congress this year” Mr. Bennett nods in affirmation of this conquest, and then with a sad sigh continues “For the last month, she has been using your mother and me as an attentive audience to hourly rehearse her sixteen lines. Even after all this time, her voice inflection is just now moving a little past monotone, however it is hopeful that ‘humdrum’ may soon be on the horizon.”

“I’m proud of her!  But I do happen to agree that a stage hand might have been a slightly better choice.  One of her strengths is that she is very organized” considering this possibility Liz feeling inspired reflects on her plethora of books on the book shelves in her bedroom being sorted and arranged by the author’s birth date “… even if it is in her own peculiar and unique way”.

“What’s been happening with Kitty and Lydia?  I daily hear from them through texting, but I’m not sure that I’m actually getting much more information than how cute someone looks today, what they want to buy, or what music they are listening to at the moment” sincerely responds Liz missing the friendship of her younger sisters “How are things coming together for Lydia’s high school graduation? Is she having a 18^th birthday party next month?”

“As far as birthdays, as you already know that is your mother’s department and you will have to ask her.  But I definitely delightfully do see some fun frivolity and wild whimsy as part of the elementary equation in finally reaching another year of life heading towards the ultimate black hole also known as adulthood” jests Mr. Bennett pleased with his impromptu tongue twister while stretching his mouth in extreme contortions for special effect.

Laughing Liz puts her arm around him and hugs him “Dad, I’ve missed you. It is was a good trip but I’m glad to be home.”

“So what about you, Liz?” asks her dad considering that she might not be happen with some recent information but trying to soften the news somewhat “Did any one capture your heart while you were gone?  I’m afraid Lydia may be in a little bit of competition with you over Wickham.  I’m not sure he is biting yet, but she is definitely trying to be caught.  Frankly, I’m glad fishing is a bit of a patient sport.”

“Oh … I didn’t know” quietly responds Liz lost in her thoughts.

“I hope this isn’t too bad of news. However, if you happen to be interested  and  were to put forth some effort trying to act charmingly cunning and do those intuitive things which entirely are beyond my comprehension, I’m sure that it wouldn’t take very long and he would be looking your way again.”

Thoughtfully Liz shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head readjusting the shoulder strap of her small suitcase to fit more squarely on her shoulder.

 Mr. Bennett seeing her face fall suggests instead “However, for the record I prefer the independent and single status of my daughters until they find someone that I deem worthy of them and having the opportunity to call them such things as “the savior” or “the thief” depending on my opinion that particular day”.

“Dad, I’m all right as I am for now.  When the right man for me comes along and wants to be with me too, I’ll let you know and you can call him anything you want” suggests Liz while flipping through her cell looking for a familiar distant number that remains elusive.

 

Blood and Fire - Chapter Thirty Two

Hearing the vexatious alarm repeat its obnoxious rhythm, Liz in her sleepless delirium rolls over and attempts to find the button to turn off the disturbing noise.  It has been a long restless and unfulfilling night.  Weakly Liz shakes her head trying to discover a way to make her eyes focus more clearly at the foggy haze of light in front of her.

She looks at the suitcase next to the guest bed that is almost packed to return home.  “What a month this has been.  So many feelings and experiences, I’m not sure what I think of anything anymore” softly whispers Liz to herself that only Char’s cat, Nuzzles, can hear.  She pets Nuzzles for a few minutes while he purrs before moving to get ready for the day, feeling weary and helpless to decipher last night’s maniacal events.

After a shower and fixing her hair, Liz decides to check the flight status and her email to see if there is any last minute things that she needs to handle before leaving town.

Anxiously her breathing stops as her heart quickly drops to her stomach while a feeling of emptiness and trepidation fills the room.  At the top of the ‘inbox’, Darcy’s name is listed.  Liz pauses for a moment and stares at his name.  Unable to decide if she should hit the delete button or read it, Liz stares at the screen and says a silent prayer.

“Whatever it is, I’ll just have to deal with it” firmly decides Liz wanting to do the most mature thing, but still feeling that she would rather forget that it exists. Looking at Nuzzles for confirmation of her decision, “If he is reminding me again that he doesn’t want to be with me, so be it.  Life will go on.  I don’t need him in my life to be who I was meant to be.   If he is apologizing, even though he said unkind things about my family, maybe I can figure out a way to forgive him” nods Liz in Nuzzles direction who in response turns and purrs while turning over on his back ready to have his stomach rubbed.  His black tipped paws reach up to play with her hand occasionally licking it with his raw rough tongue.

Reluctantly but with purpose, she clicks the enter button.   The first thing that she notices is the email is very long.  Defensively to Nuzzles Liz cries “What could he possibly say to me that would take that much effort?  Do I really need to hear ‘how’ much he doesn’t like me again?”

Surrendering, Liz relinquishes a deep sigh and throws her head back rolling her eyes towards the ceiling.  “I’ll guess that I should read it…” then more sorrowfully whispers “it will just help me to move on.”

The letter begins:

 

Dear Liz,

Hello.  Before I begin, I want to reassure you that I will not be discussing last night’s discussion again.  I understand how you feel about me now and it appears the best solution is that we depart as casual friends who see each other occasionally at official events that put us together in the same place.  Hopefully we can greet each other as friends if the occasion arises and that these past memories will find their way into oblivion.

But I felt the necessity to clarify some information regarding my sister, Georgianna, or as many of her dearest friends call her “Ginny”.   As you know from being a journalist, there are several sides to any story.  Perspectives can sometimes go askew depending on motives and other incentives to perceive something in one way rather than another.

Gossip is a terrible thing.  In my experience, it tends to come from people who have a malicious desire to know something that no one else knows.  But their motives tend to cling to a secret hidden desire to experience what is happening to the person they are ruining the life of.   There is always some grain of truth in gossip, but what is painted and manipulated in its shared context becomes something vicious and harmful in its content without any moral strength or value.  It’s the manipulation of a childish and immature mind with a malevolent intent to affect and burden the lives of others.  Once gossip begins its merciless venom, chaos and loss appear to be its only gift and treasure.

I would ask that you keep the following information about my sister completely confidential and not to share it with even your closest friends including your sister, Jane, and best friend, Char.

My sweet sister, Ginny, was a victim of many menacing mouths who were quick to act in the role of judge and juror even though their own lives are scattered with murk and grey dust from their own delusions of moral superiority and less than virtuous character.

Dismally, Dan Wickham, has foolishly misguided you with his stories of abandonment and corruption in the case of my family.  It is true, he was raised as my brother and my father loved him just as a son.  He was my best friend.  We were only one year apart in age and would spend much of our time together growing up because his father was the General Manager of my dad’s company. 

After Mr. Wickham died of a heart attack while Wickham was in high school, my dad took Wickham in and he lived with us for his last two years of school.  Ginny was little and only 8 then.  Wickham was kind to her and treated like a little sister.   My father even bought him a new convertible Mustang for graduation.

For awhile in college, he enjoyed his time with girls and partying.  One day he was in a very bad car accident and being drunk slammed into a tree.  He wasn’t scratched up too much but his sports car was totaled. It was after that event that he decided to get his life together which pleased everyone.  His father had set up a trust fund for him as well as insurance to take care of his future.  My father set aside an income as well when he realized that Wickham had decided to become an SA officer.  Knowing that the officer “allowance” is very minimal even less than minimum wage in cash even though other benefits are provided, money was set aside for him.  My father hoped to give him the possibility of living more comfortably while in Christian service as a pastor.

Well, eventually Wickham was sent to training.  He only lasted at the training college for three months because of the rules and standards of which they require the cadets to live to be ready to face the many challenges ahead of them.  Responsibility, character, and their spiritual lives are priorities and unfortunately, he severely lacked in all three areas.  He was deferred to develop more outside the school with the possibility and promise of returning at a later date.

In consequence, he signed up for the military.  In the meantime, I lost my father.  On hearing the news, Wickham immediately demanded to be given the rest of the trust fund from my father, his father, as well as the insurance money.  Considering his age of 22, this was all given to him.

The military didn’t exactly prove to be a time of maturity for him as everyone hoped that it would be.   He finished his term and an opportunity came to  work at Camp Long Branch as the program director at the age of 26.  It happened that Ginny found out he was going to be there and applied as well.  As a brother, I considered this a good thing in that I believed that Wickham would keep an eye out for her so that she didn’t get caught up into any trouble with anyone else.  I didn’t know that the problem would be closer to home.

Ginny had not seen much of Wickham for the previous 8 years other than at holidays because of his attending college and then being stationed overseas for awhile with the military.  So, although he was like family, she had not developed a relationship with him as I had as a brother.

During the summer Ginny was a dining room girl. Her birthday falls late and although she was turning 18 in late August, she still had her senior year of high school to yet complete.  They spent a lot of time together catching up.  According to Wickham, he felt very close and very protective of Ginny because she was like only a handful of his family that was left.

Well as things would go, Ginny became very attached to Wickham and evidently he did as well.  I was not happy when they announced the news to me.  She was still in high school and he was 26, what else was I to think?  I told them that they could not be together.  They could not write, call, text, or anything.  She was still a kid not really even having her first boyfriend yet and he was a man already with a history behind him.  Ginny had a wonderful future ahead of her and I couldn’t see letting Wickham destroy that.

Being willful, although very intelligent, Ginny decided to ‘take off’ with Wickham and let him take care of her until we would hopefully change our minds about them.   Wickham had already spent his entire inheritance, maxed out on his credit cards, and had yet to find a way to really support himself after finishing his time with the military.  They had nothing to live on. 

We looked everywhere for them.  Eventually they showed up at his aunt’s home. Lydia Russell in her typical well-known pattern of taking over the lives of other people was determined that they should be married.  But I was able to talk with Ginny at length and convince her to come home.  Evidently Wickham was still getting email, texts, and taking calls from old girlfriends which greatly upset Ginny and allowed her to acknowledge that Wickham was not yet ready to settle down.

She was able to catch up with her school work by having a tutor and graduated on schedule.  She has recently finished her degree and seems to be quite content and is finally dating someone else.

As far as Wickham goes, he enlisted again into the military and I did not hear from him until seeing him again at Longbourne.   Although this information came through the grapevine, it was from reliable sources that he had married a woman by the name of Ariel Shepherd whose father was a lawyer to his Aunt, Lydia Russell.  I’m sure she arranged for the marriage to happen to provide some sort of financial advantage for her.  From what I understand, Ariel too was only 18 when he married her. However, he appeared to be completely on his own while in Longbourne.  So I can only assume that relationship no longer exists.

As far as responding to my reaction to Jane and Bingley, I want to explain myself further.  While I was in Longbourne numerous times I overheard your mother saying that Jane had many boyfriends and that several times she had come close to engagements but chose not to marry them because they were not ‘good enough’.  Your mother had a tendency to brag about how much money Jane would inherit by marrying Bingley and that finally she had met someone that was ‘good enough’ for her.

Bingley is a ‘good’ man and just by his character would be ‘good enough’ for anyone even if he did not have a penny to his name.  Collins had mentioned that your sister had been infatuated with him too which I highly doubted, but several young men in the youth band also carried this same story.

On hindsight and after having the night to reflect, I think that I judged Jane too harshly.  I was depending on what other people had said about her and not from what I knew and experienced her character to be.  I never saw Jane flirt with anyone.  She didn’t tease with her words, body language, clothing, or anything else to imply that she was not only modest but of the best sort.  Your mother however directly told me that Jane was after Bingley’s money at the last divisional youth band rehearsal and that was enough ‘proof’ for me impulsively at that time which I based my decision on to encourage Bingley to leave and to let go of Jane. 

Just so you know, I will no longer hinder Bingley from developing a deeper relationship with Jane should they eventually decide that they would like to be together again.  I wish only the best for them.

In closing, I would let you know as well that I will not pursue you or create an atmosphere that will make you uncomfortable around me.  I will not contact you or try to be in your life unless random events place us in the same room.  I understand your feelings now and for my own reasons I feel this is for the best. 

Take Care,

Darcy

“Liz! We’re all out in the car waiting for you!  If we leave for the airport now, I think we’ll be on time” shouts Char from the front door wondering what is taking her friend so long this morning.

“I’ll be down in a minute” closing her laptop, Liz calls back,  wiping a few tears of regret from her eyes “I’m just finishing putting a few liquid items in my luggage so I can make sure that I can make it though the baggage claim”.

Blood and Fire - Chapter Thirty One

Feeling anxious as the doorbell rings, Liz glances over to Char for a last moment of support.  Char reassures her best friend with a comforting smile. 

“Hello, Darcy.  It’s good to see you.  Would you like to come in for a minute?  Liz, will be ready in just a second” greets Char motioning for him to enter the front room.

“Thank you Char.  How are you and Collins?  I hope things are going well for the both of you” graciously replies Darcy attempting to make conversation in spite of his rather fretting nerves.

“We’re doing well and finding each day has its own little miracles” hearing steps coming from behind Char pleasantly announces “Here she is!”

“Liz, you look very nice tonight.  How was your day?” sweetly asks Darcy nervously checking to see if everything is in place where it should be on his own clothing.

“I had a great day with Char, thanks for asking” softly replies Liz “The Classic Movie Network has been running old romantic movies from the 40s all day.  We’ve been watching “Casablanca”, “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, “Rebecca”, and the “Shop Around the Corner.  I know it’s not everyone’s cup-of-tea but I enjoy the black and white movies with Selznick, Hitchcock, and Sam Wood as directors.”

“I didn’t know you liked the old movies.  There always seems to be something new to find out about you, Liz” smiles Darcy committing another piece of information into the files of his memory to recall at a later date “Are you ready?  I made reservations at a place that you might like.”

“Really where?” excitedly asks Liz looking at Darcy directly in the eyes with a smile and completely forgetting about her earlier unease.

“It’s my surprise for you” teasingly states Darcy helping Liz on with her coat “But I think that you will like it.”

While walking towards the car, Darcy offers his hand to help her down the concrete stairs from the porch and tightly keeps holding her hand until they reach the car.  He gentlemanly opens the car door and waits for her to get in before closing the door behind her.

Although thrilled that he held her hand, she quietly reassures herself that she needs to keep control of her emotions because she wants to confront him with some recent information that has been revealed to her.  But for the moment she holds her other hand in her lap, feeling the warmth of its previous captor and feeling quite content.

“If you want to after dinner, we can go to the movies.  There is a new one coming out this weekend that my sister highly recommended that we go see.” Waiting to see if Liz seems keen to the idea Darcy continues “I think it’s called “Shadows of the Heart”. She said it was a chick-flick but that I would probably end up liking it too.”

“It sounds good to me.  I’ve seen the previews on TV and it looks really interesting to me” inspired agrees Liz smoothing out her skirt in the seat next to him and twisting to move her knees more towards his direction to see him better.

As Darcy parks the car and steps out, Liz takes that moment to check her lipstick and her hair in the small mirror in the visor above her as she has seen her younger sisters do many times before but which she is out of the habit of doing.

As Darcy walks next to her in the restaurant, Liz looks up and genuinely exclaims “Juan Jose’s Cantina!  One of my favorite places!  I think their tortilla chips are the best and the salsa has just the right amount of cilantro with a touch of jalapenos. Thank you so much for choosing such a great place!”

Holding the door opened for Liz, Darcy is please that he listened to Char’s advice about what place to choose for the evening thinking to himself “It seems like this is working out to be a wonderful night.”

The hostess checks their name with her leather bound reservation book and takes them to a quiet table for two that is near the platform where a live band is performing that night for the guests to celebrate Valentine’s Day with many romantic Latin favorites ranging from Gypsy Kings, Jesse Cook, Johannes Linstead, and other pop favorites such as Enrique Inglesias, Ricky Martin, and Marc Anthony.

Glancing over the menu, Liz chooses the “Hacienda Especial” and takes a sip of her sweet tea while Darcy takes a little longer to reflect over the many choices available.  Finally he chooses as the young waitress dressed in a white shirt and black  pants stands beside the table scanning the room over his head checking on her other two tabletops nearby waiting for him to make his final selection.

The multitasking waitress patiently takes the order and then scurries back to the hidden kitchen area while along the way picking up a couple of glasses from another table that need refilled. 

 “What are your plans for once you return to Longbourne?” asks Darcy curious to know what challenges are facing her once she returns home.

“Well, obviously I’m going back to my job which I really enjoy” explains Liz “I’ll go back to volunteering at the corps and doing what I can here and there to help out as needed”.

“What are your plans for the future?” curiously asks Darcy “What goals do you have?”

“Eventually I’d like to go back to school to work on my doctorate after I can pay off some of my school loans so I can have a more reasonable payment” replies Liz firming holding to her budget.

“You could defer your loans until you finish your degree” suggests Darcy trying to be helpful.

“Yes, I could to that but it means that afterwards I’d have an even larger payment that I probably still could not afford and manage to live somewhat comfortably” explains Liz feeling a little recently defeated by her school loan payments.

“Is there any other way you could refinance your loans and make them more affordable for you?” asks Darcy knowing well the intrinsic management of finance but not familiar with the current interest rates on educational loans.

“No, not really, I have it already at the lowest interest rate as possible to accommodate the amount of salary I’ve made this year” thoughtfully explains Liz, twisting her spool into her charro beans wishing that he would change the subject since this one always depresses her.  “What would you like to see happen in your future?”

“As you know I took over the business after my father was promoted to glory a few years ago.  It seems to progressing as I expected it to.  I’d like to work on our products becoming more economically relatable and practical for our customers rather than letting our services becoming extinct” thoughtfully explains Darcy “there are many promotional vender companies out there that provide the same products, with similar services, but I hope to improve it so that our health and comfort product company is the first one that they think of when they need it.”

“I know the corps and I’m sure most of the division orders from your company all the time for community care products especially during Christmas and Easter” Remarks Liz remembering organizing and packing items for many visits to senior care facilities, hospitals, and the prison too over the years.

While listening to the music, Liz munches on some leftover warm chips and occasionally sings along with a line or two of the songs of which she is more familiar without fully being conscious of what she is doing but only enjoying the moment.  Darcy looks at her and smiles while waiting for the moment in which she notices that she is being observed.

On seeing that Darcy is enjoying her own melody, Liz’s eyes widen and she blushes looking down at her plate and stirs her Spanish rice for a moment.

After a little while of conversation Liz excuses herself to go to the ladies room.  She peers into her purse for her brush and finds her lipstick.  She puts a fresh coat on and seems pleased with the result.  She finds the ruby red envelope in her purse that she thought of giving Darcy sometime that evening.  Holding the card for a moment, she sprays into the air a little of her favorite perfume and waves the card through her favorite scent so that the memory of her gift will linger much longer than just for the moment it was given.

When she returns, Darcy is taking his cloth napkin to clean a dash of salsa that had fallen aimlessly on the very center of his silk tie. He looks up sheepishly smiling upon her return.  Liz sits down feeling refreshed and ready for the right moment to present her card.

As they wait for the flan and fried ice cream to arrive for dessert, they chat feeling very comfortable with each to other. 

“Liz, I wanted to wish you a “Happy Valentine’s Day” and I have something special planned for you” announces Darcy while setting his red cloth napkin to the side.  He signals the band.

The band leader nods his head and begins the refrains to Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” with a mild twinge of a gentle Latin beat to its original rhythm. 

“I had the mariachi band play my favorite song that reminds me of you every time it comes on the radio.  I haven’t told you but I consider it to be my theme song for you” explains Darcy excited to share his confession.

As the lyrics begin Liz looks puzzled and feels a bit confused  as she hears in a artistically designed version with a Latin beat “… I want your ugly, I want your disease …I want your drama …”.  Incredulously Liz asks “Is this what makes you think of me?”

“Yes.  Every time” answers Darcy and feeling slightly nervous adds wanting to emphasize his point “it totally reminds me of you”.

The lyrics mischievously continue and mystically hover over their conversation “ …. I want your horror, I want your design, ‘cause you’re a criminal …”.

“Really?  This is the what comes to mind when you think of me?” ardently asks Liz feeling her temper rising within her but trying to keep calm.

“Yes, of course it is.  It reminds me of us and our relationship” uncharacteristically gushes Darcy finally admitting publically and to himself that they have one “I think the lyrics are great, don’t you?”

As the words are coming out of his mouth in simultaneous duet in the background Liz hears “… you and me could write a bad romance …”

“What are you trying to say to me?” on the verge of tears asks Liz

“I think it’s pretty clear” clueless responds Darcy, not sure the cause of this confusing reaction which is appearing to be coming from Liz “I think it states how I feel about you.  Don’t you see it?”

“I don’t ‘see’ anything, but I can certainly ‘hear’ it” snaps Liz looking for her purse “If you felt that way, why did you bring me here?”

“I wanted to explain my feelings while we were alone and not in front of anyone” angrily responds Darcy not sure why his voice is raising and not entirely sure why he feels upset at the moment.

“If you felt that way about me, you could have just told me.  You didn’t’ have to have a band play a song to impound the message permanently in my memory!” shouts Liz as an unwanted tear leaves it’s cage.

“Well, if I knew you were going to react this way while I’m trying to tell you how I feel in an original way, I wouldn’t have bothered!” refutes Darcy believing that her feelings are not mutual and that he has embarrassed himself by finally making an effort to let her know what he has been holding back for months.

“I’m sorry that I’ve wasted your time.  I thought that we were having a great time together and it was comfortable between both of us.  I can’t believe that you didn’t let me know earlier!” articulately expresses Liz ready to leave the restaurant and forget the whole fiasco. 

The waitress notices that things are not going well at her tabletop and has quietly slipped the bill near Darcy.  In return Darcy glares at Liz for a moment and inserts his credit card into the pocket holder.  “I forgot that I have some things that I need to work on this evening that just arrived from the office today.  I won’t be able to go to a movie tonight”.  Darcy realizes that he is telling Liz the truth but he had decided earlier to delay the work for the opportunity of a longer evening with her.

As they get into the car, Liz tries to hide the occasional tear that is falling.  Darcy stares at the road ahead and turns on the radio to provide some welcoming distraction. The songs begins with a familiar voice “… I want your psycho … want you in my rear window … baby your sick” 

Liz rolls her eyes and huffs towards the window” in response Darcy vehemently shuts off the radio and steps down on the gas pedal.

Finally when Darcy can’t stand the silence any long “Liz, I don’t know what the problem is.  I thought things were going really well between us. You’re one of the few people who seem to understand me without me having to explain myself but I’m not so sure about that tonight“

“I thought so too” states Liz as she sniffs trying to hold back tears still reeling from the lyrics of the song.

“Besides discussing this, I want to know did you tell Bingley not to like my sister?” asks Liz wanting further resolution to end a relationship that appears never to have begun in the first place other than in her delusional mind.

“Yes, I did” feeling no compulsion any longer to protect her from anything in that her rejection tonight has been extremely painful to him Darcy continues feeling justified by his actions “I felt it was the right thing to do.  Your sister didn’t appear to care nearly as deeply as Bingley and your sisters motives for wanting a relationship with him were clearly told by your mother to anyone who would listen.”

“My mother?  What does my mother have to do with anything?  What did she say?” angrily asks Liz afraid of what his future disclosure will be.

“She told me that your sister was pursuing Bingley because of his money.  Also, she has had a lot of boyfriends and Bingley was only one on a string of many” spouts Darcy with unusual venom “She doesn’t deserve Bingley.  He’s one of the most sincere and honest people I know.  He guilelessly tends to easily be fooled by people that will use him to get what they want from him”.

“My sister is not a gold digger.  I’ve never seen her so taken by anyone.  Yes, there have been a lot of guys that have been interested in her.  She happens to be beautiful” acknowledges Liz feeling not as pretty at this moment, but adamantly continues “But that doesn’t mean she chased them or dated them either.  Jane’s been very selective in who she has allowed to get close to her”.

“I don’t understand why you are so hard on her.  What has she done to you?” remarks Liz not understanding why he is being so difficult and harsh tonight and then adds for effect “Maybe this is how you like to treat people who get close to you. You push them away.”

“I don’t push anyone away that deeply care about and who means something to me.  But what about  you?  You made me believe that you liked me, not only liked me but were beginning to love me” rashly explains Darcy feeling out of breath from uncharacteristically having to defend his actions “ Then I finally do something about it and you – not me – are the one to first push away.”

“What are you talking about?  That song tonight emphasized how ugly you thought I was, that I create too much “drama” around me, that I’m even “psycho” --- what kind of song is that?” firms asks Liz and then not realizing her words but only as she says them “Who says that to someone they like let alone that they are trying to say they are falling in love with?”

Liz blankly stares at him for a moment as the words sink in that he has mentioned ‘love’ and that she has agreed that he is ‘falling in love’ with her.  Liz muses to herself “something is not quite right”.

Darcy places a hand on her shoulder, “I didn’t mean the song to represent everything that I don’t like about you. There are so many things that I do admire about you.  You are a lovely woman, Liz.  I enjoy being around you and every single unusual quirk that you have.”

“What are you trying to say?” asks Liz more puzzled than ever resting the back of her head against the car door window.

“Liz you have so many exceptional qualities.  I want to spend time getting to know you better by being a part of your life.  I like you.  I like being around you.  I think you are one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever met” ardently explains Darcy hoping that his confession will garner a new response but then without thinking jokingly adds “If that means I have to accept your family and their faults which at times I find offensive then that’s what I’ll do to be around you.”

Liz does not find the joke within the humor.  “What do you mean “faults that you find offensive”?” asks Liz not entirely relieved from the moment of their previous argument.

“You know.  I don’t need to tell you” replies Darcy realizing that he has just entered a black hole which he is not sure that he can be rescued from.

“No, maybe you should enlighten me to make sure we are on the same page” challenges Liz wanting some clarification before she proceeds any further with this relationship.

Darcy not sensing the warning that could be crucial to his future proceeds with his evaluation, “We’ve already discussed your mother whom you know is a busy buddy.  She seems to be in the center of everyone’s business.  Even you must recognize this.  Jane although sweet is a tease.  Maybe she has actually ‘dated’ anyone but it appears from her reputation that she has a habit of leading them on evidently hoping for a better catch to arrive one day to settle her claws in. “ Darcy without taking a breath wanting to be fair and honest in his critique of her family feeling that he might not ever have the chance again “your younger sisters are fun but they have absolutely no common sense.  You just told me about their tanning fiasco the other day.  Mary needs to find some social skills.  She has a habit of wanting to be the center of attention in a less than appropriate way.”

As she stands comatose in front of him, Liz can feel her body shake as her disgusts at Darcy’s words infiltrate her mind.

“Do you not realize this is my family?  These are people that I love?  How can you say that about them?  You don’t know them.  You’ve only met them a handful of times!” shouts Liz silently on one level realizing that he is telling the truth but definitely not wanting to admit it “Maybe it’s because your family is no longer around you that you don’t care.  You just resent the family that I have.  Where is your  only sister? She’s never around you.  What have you done to her that she doesn’t like you? What about your best friend Wickham?  Why doesn’t he talk to you anymore?  What have you done to make him not like you?  See, I was right you always push people away that care about you!”

“You don’t understand.  You’re right that I’ve had to let go of some people in my life.  But that’s not how I feel about you, Liz.  You’ve brought so much happiness into my life lately.  I feel like I can breathe again” sincerely pleads Darcy but on seeing the squinted eyes and pursed lips  before him realizes that something has gone amiss in the last few minutes “ I didn’t realize you hated me so much.”

Liz shakes her head “I don’t hate you.  But I don’t understand you either.  You’re such a snob.  You don’t care about other people because you’re too busy just thinking about yourself and how you are getting ahead of everyone else. “

“That’s not entirely true.  I do think that I have some advantages that other people don’t have.  I’ve had a few more opportunities which have developed and honed my skills which give me an advantage in life.  Is it so wrong to acknowledge that people have their faults?”

“I don’t see them as faults, more like idiosyncrasies that make each of them individuals with their own flair for life even if at times it can be rather stressful for others” argues Liz realizing in that second that some of that ‘flair’ from her mother has caused some inflicted emotional pain to her in the past “You shouldn’t expect everyone to be like you, as if you’re the standard under which everyone else should be measured!”

“Well, I didn’t realize this is the way you felt about me.  I’ve been putting a lot of my expectations into something that is evidently not mutual or desired” answers Darcy feeling the tears forming in his eyes but refusing to let them fall. “In spite of how you feel about me Liz, you have changed my world. But as far as Wickham, don’t misjudge me.  There is more to the story than just one side.  He has fed you what you want to hear, but not the entire truth within its real context”.

Liz finds her purse on the floor of the car and opens the door “Don’t worry about seeing me to the door, I know my way.  I’m flying out tomorrow afternoon, so I guess this is goodbye.  I wish you the best wherever you end up finding it” states Liz feeling a range of emotions but not sure which one to grasp and cling to.”

“Goodbye Liz.  I hope one day we’ll meet again when the dust has settled between us” states Darcy as Liz slams the car door. 

On reaching the door, Liz hears the squeal of tire wheels behind her.  She suddenly feels tremendously sad but not entirely sure why.